the blame game

Burdensome Feelings
Blaming Others

Blaming sets up a situation in which it becomes difficult to move forward and puts resolution in the hands of others.

As we begin to truly understand that the world outside of us is a reflection of the world inside of us, we may feel confused about who is to blame for the problems in our lives. If we had a difficult childhood, we may wonder how we can take responsibility for that, and in our current relationships, the same question arises. We all know that blaming others is the opposite of taking responsibility, but we may not understand how to take responsibility for things that we don’t truly feel responsible for. We may blame our parents for our low self-esteem, and we may blame our current partner for exacerbating it with their unconscious behavior. Objectively, this seems to make sense. After all, it is not our fault if our parents were irresponsible or unkind, and we are not to blame for our partner’s bad behavior.

Perhaps the problem lies with the activity of blaming. Whether we blame others or blame ourselves, there is something aggressive and unkind about it. It sets up a situation in which it becomes difficult to move forward under the burdensome feelings of shame and guilt that arise. It also puts the resolution of our pain in the hands of someone other than us. Ultimately, we cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we begin to see the wisdom of taking the situation into our own hands.

We do this by forgiving our parents, even if they have not asked for our forgiveness, so that we can be free. We end the abusive relationship with our partner, who may never admit to any wrongdoing, because we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated. In short, we love ourselves as we want to be loved and create the life we know we deserve. We leave the resolution of the wrongs committed against us in the hands of the universe, releasing ourselves to live a life free of blame.

the wives

Sunday times carried an interesting article about the first wives club. Made up of celebrity wives who were given the royal ditch when her husband moved on younger pastures.


The sense of guilt, wonderment of what went wrong, explaining to the kids, coping up with the kids are all difficult. It even more hurting to face the sympathy or the pity of the family and peer group. A single non-compliance would be pointed out ha! She has XYZ fault because of which ABC suffered and the man moved on.

These are the obvious separated ones. The Indian community has a new one, where husbands are hooked on a mistress who is far more enticing. In this case the first wife does not even get emotional support, forget the sympathy part of it. I am talking of the victim of the newly catching epidemic called spirituality.

This mistress comes with a golden halo and social adulation.

The wife is supposed to understand, support the husband in this cause. Listen to the gibes as to how horrid she must be if her husband had to turn to spiritual support. From other spiritual enthusiastic the refrain is how blessed the wife must be.

Right from Yashodhara to tukaram’s wife to these women have borne the brunt of single parenting, financial challenges, in addition to a guilt trip what could I have done differently that my marriage would be saved. Life becomes one courtroom ordeal where one has to constantly defend oneself, family, friends, children other male predators.

Its always the mother who pays the price.